So, The X Factor debuted on Wednesday (my birthday) and I was hoping it would supplant The Voice (which supplanted American Idol) as my favorite singing-competition show. Alas, that didn't happen. Not that it matters, because ratings will ultimately determine what happens with the show, but here are my top 5 suggestions to polish the big X:

1. Shorten it! It's billed as a four-hour, two-night premiere. Are you seriously going to make me sit through a season premiere longer than The Fellowship of the Ring?

2. Deflate it! Perhaps it stems from Simon Cowell, but the show's ultra-dramatic beauty shots of the judges walking in slow motion while backlit in a cloud of fog, over-the-top graphics and crane shots of the thousands of contestants outside the arena (or are those just people waiting in line to be in the audience?), pump it up like it's God's gift to television, just like Simon thinks he's God's gift to the music industry. Come on. Just let the kids sing.

3. Nix the bad auditions! The show is excruciating when we have to watch some poor sap who thinks he/she can sing get booed by a crowd of four thousand. Thank goodness for The Voice, where at least the contestants are all somewhat vocally capable.

4. Nix the cheesy profiles! This might help solve suggestion #1. Why are cameras following these people before they audition? I sure have high hopes of winning 5 million dollars! I work at the local petting zoo part time! The whole family tells me what a great voice I have! I snort when I laugh! Root for me when I audition! ...oh, you really can't sing, can you? Glad I got to hear your story, because I won't ever hear from you again.

5. Show more auditions! My goodness, four hours and four cities just passed before my eyes and it seems like I only saw a dozen good singers. L.A., Nicole, Paula and Simon, cut the chit-chat. I dare you to let them start singing the second they hit the stage. If you like the audition, then get to know them a little bit. It's The X Factor. Give everybody a big X to light up like America's Got Talent. Three lit-up Xs and the singer leaves the stage. Better still, just line 'em all up and let the next singer start right away.

I'm going to start a show called 15 Minutes to Fame. The entire season takes place in one quick episode, sandwiched between ads for Doritos and T-Mobile.